Wednesday, October 19, 2016

CONSTELLATIONS - WEP CHALLENGE BLOGHOP




WEP: CONSTELLATIONS

Here we go…my first entry into the Write, Edit, Publish  (WEP) Challenge Bloghop. I’m new to this, so please bear (or should that be bare; I never know for sure) with me.


This is an excerpt from my first full-length work ‘Far Away Eyes’. A little bit of a different ‘take’ on the topic of Constellations.

The Seven Sisters
(995 words, full critique acceptable)
           
.  “Alex, tell me about the Sisters. Everyone refers to them like I know all about this.  Who are they?  Are they really sisters? What do they do? This is such an important part of our history, I think I should know the whole story, don’t you?”
            “Of course, let me start at the beginning.  When the children of Daniel and Hydrangea became numerous enough that they could not all meet in a Family council, it was decided that there should be a body arranged to listen to complaints and make decisions regarding matters concerning all.  Daniel, being wise and still very much in love with Hydrangea, knew that it was her Divine Spirit that had kept him going during all of the trials of their life. Therefore, he proposed that this Council be made up of their daughters and granddaughters.  He felt, and his sons agreed, that the Divine Spirit is stronger with women and their compassion is greater. The women of the Dag and Mah-yim would never sanction war.  They would think of the children and family first. They would be kind and loving in all of their decisions.  The first Council of the Seven Sisters, also known as The Pleiades, was convened.”
            “The Pleiades, like the constellation?” I ask.
            “Exactly. Do you know the story of the Pleiades?”
            “No, not really. Something about Orion chasing them through the sky eternally”
            “That’s some of it. After a chance meeting with the hunter Orion, the Pleiades, seven beautiful sisters and their mother became the object of his pursuit.  Enamored with the young women, he pursued them over the face of the Earth.  In pity for their plight, Zeus changed them into a flock of doves which he set in the heavens.  Our Pleiades come from the vocation of their mother, Pleione. She was the protectress of sailing.  As it is our calling to protect the seas and all who venture in or on them, it is appropriate.”
            “Are they really sisters?” I ask.
            “No. Today, in our society, that would be almost impossible.  It’s rare for our families to have more than one child.”
            “Why?” I ask.  This isn’t the first time Alex has made reference to this and I’m confused.
            “There are a lot of theories. No one seems to know for sure.  It is not like the medical communities of the world are rushing to solve the problems of a society that they do not know exists.”
            “Are we like humans in every way? I mean would a doctor know the difference? Would he recognize that we are not completely human?  I don’t think I’ve ever been to a doctor,” I ask, flooding him with questions again.
            “Nor have I. We do not use the medicines of the world.  You should know that. Your mother is a healer.”
            “Well, yeah, but I’ve only seen her do minor things.  What about things that need a hospital? Where do the babies come from?”
            “Oceanna, that pretty much works the same way it does for humans.  I am hoping that one day I will have to chance to show you,” he says, with a smile.
            Now I really am blushing. “That’s not what I meant. I was asking, ‘aren’t the babies born in hospitals’?  I mean, it’s so dangerous otherwise, so many things could go wrong.”  I know I’m babbling, and I don’t care, because it’s either babble on, or die of embarrassment.
            “I was pretty sure you had the general idea.  Do you know you are very cute when you get embarrassed?”
            “That’s a good thing, because I seem to embarrass myself a lot,” I say.
            “Baby, I hope you will be comfortable asking me anything and everything.”
            “No problem. I don’t think I’ll be able to top that remark about the babies though.  I hope you’re not disappointed,” I say, and I find I can smile about it. “Now go on, tell me about the Seven Sisters. If they’re not sisters, who are they?”
            “They can come from any of the families.  They are the most powerful women.  I have heard it said Marina LaMer would have been on the Council for the past ten years, had she not chosen to stand by her daughter. But, it is because she choose to protect her daughter, that she would be deemed powerful enough to sit with the Sisters.”
            “My Grandmother, Really? Exactly what do you mean when you call them powerful?” I ask, starting to wonder if there are some super powers I should know about.
            “These women are powerful in their convictions and resolve.  Like you grandmother’s decision to give up everything in our world to put her child first. This has made her powerful in her compassion and the love of her child and a willingness to protect her at all costs. Of course, she could not have done that without the complete agreement of her husband, so don’t think that Sam is not powerful also.”
            “You know, my brother, Tom goes on a lot about our family being a Matriarchal Society, one run by women. I don’t feel it’s like that with Mom and Grandma.  Of course, Tom thinks I would side with them because I’m a woman. I just don’t see them pushing him around.”
            “It is not like that with the Dag and Mah-yim.  The Sisters don’t push anyone around. They simply make decisions.  They must decide what would be best for all. Sometimes those decisions are hard.  That is what happened to my parents.  They got caught in a difficult decision.  My grandmother was on the Council at that time, my mother’s mother.”
            ‘”You never told me that you had a grandmother living.” I say, surprised.
            “She is not with us.  The decision…my mother’s death… broke her heart.”
            “Oh Alex, I’m so sorry,” I say as I rest my hand on his leg. He reaches over, covers my hand with his, and we ride on in silence.
Please leave me a comment or a full critique if you like. Please, say something. 

Want to know more about WEP? Read other entries? Submit your own entry? Please go HERE to get the scoop and find the linky list. (Entries close October 19th)

42 comments:

  1. Ankara'nın en iyi broşür dağıtım şirketi olan
    ankara broşür dağıtım hizmette
    sinir tanimiyor...

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    1. I wish I could reply, buy I'm not sure what you have said here. I do appreciate you stopping by. I'll try to run this through the google translator later.

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  2. Sure lots more there that one wants to know. Not human, then what? Where are they hiding about? Council sounds rather ominous there at the end with what happened. Enjoyed indeed.

    Oh, and go with bear, if you go with bare people may think they are getting a thrill lol

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    1. Thanks Pat, bear it is. Ominous you say, great cause that's exactly what I was going for.

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  3. I had fun with the embarrassing moment in the middle. I'm interested to know more about this story world. Lots of information here. Will it be fully developed?

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    1. Thanks Crystal, glad you liked it. It has already been fully developed. It's an excerpt from a WIP that I have been working on for awhile now.

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    2. Sweet! How exciting. So does that mean you've got an idea of where you want to shop it or how to go about publishing it?

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    3. Not really. Got any suggestions. I don't think I want to self-publish. Right now I'm still looking for a few Beta Readers/Critique Partners; you interested. It's YA Fantasy set in modern times (did that make sense). Let me know.

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  4. Great information, I love the burgeoning love story. Lots to learn and more questions to be asked and answered! Great addition to the WEP Constellations Challenge. So glad you joined us!

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    1. Thanks Yolanda, I'm glad I decided to join also. This has been fun and a great learning experience for me.

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  5. A lot of mystery. Leaves us hanging and wondering why Tom's mother was killed and who exactly is on the council.

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    1. Thanks Deborah, since this is an excerpt from a larger story, it does come across rather mysterious. Read in context there is still some mystery here, but many of the questions are answered.

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  6. Greetings
    An interesting story. I looked all over for your name. I recommend you add it somewhere especially since you are a writer. Name recognition.

    You asked for a critique. In this sentence: “Oceanna, that pretty much works the same way it does for humans. I am hoping that one day I will have to chance to show you,” he says, with a smile. I will have to chance to tell you, should be, I will have a chance...

    Also, it is just dialogue. No name tags. Add some action from the characters. So and so turned her gaze on what? So and so shifted her feet or folded her hands. You get the idea.

    Good luck,
    Nancy

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    1. Thanks Nancy. Good catch on that sentence transposition. And, I really like your suggestions about breaking the dialogue up with some actions. I'll work on that.

      As for my name, I just go by Far Away Eyes. My friends call me FAE.

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  7. Great story about Pleides. Astronomy is part of our life, and since we now live in place with little light pollution, seeing stars clearly is magnificent.
    Either in August or November, there is the Pleides shower. Sadly, catching such a sight is usually in the wee hours of the morning.

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    1. Thanks Susan. I'm a big fan of mythology, and since astronomy/astrology plays a big part in that, I just couldn't help including it in this story.

      I too live 'out in the sticks' where the stars shine brighter and are more visible than near the city lights. It's a great benefit.

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  8. An interesting dialog, opening up an intriguing world, different from our own.

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    1. Thanks Olga, that's exactly what I intended.

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  9. Definitely intriguing. Not human? More please.

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    1. Yep, my MC is not quite human. This is an excerpt from a WIP that I have been working on for quite some time. I am looking for some Beta readers, let me know if your interested.

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  10. I was drawn right into this story, FAE. A matriarchal society is an interesting aspect.This story excerpt makes me think of questions to find out more. . .how did they get together, etc. Well done!

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    1. Thanks D.G., i really appreciate hearing that.

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  11. Hello,

    Very intriguing excerpt and a great retelling of the mythology. Liked the gentle humour too. Not human but so close that a doctor might not know? Definitely grabs attention.

    Might be worthwhile to consider whether there is any scope for description, action, some narrative to break-up the long dialogue, if that gels with the writing/story objectives. Best wishes.

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    1. Hi Nilanjana, glad I got your attention. I appreciate your suggestion about breaking up that dialogue. I knew it came across a little flat, but wasn't sure what to do. I think adding some
      narrative and maybe some action (another suggestion) will help to make this passage more interesting and easier to read.

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  12. I love the old myths and the retelling of them in new ways. I would have liked a set up to put me in a place or time, but otherwise I enjoyed the exchange between the characters.

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    1. Thanks C Lee. Because this is an excerpt from a larger story and we only had 1000 words, I'm afraid I didn't get you much set up. If you're really interested I'm looking for some BETA readers, so let me know. It is a retelling of some mythology, in my own style, of course.

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  13. Something I’ll say
    As many will do
    Decision are hard
    As life is too

    The seat of power
    Carries a great demand
    Very few can handle the
    Life and death of man

    So live as you can
    And died at they will
    For the life force of blood
    Will always, someday spill

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    1. Hey desk 49, nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by. That's some interesting verse there. Most appropriate for the narrative here.

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  14. Hi FAE; glad to see you writing again. Fascinating info about the Sisters, and the Pleides. A great setting.

    I didn't write for this one; busy in general, but also busy writing on two other stories. I hope this excerpt means you are feeling better; and better enough to start writing again.

    Have a good weekend; and hope Halloween is fun and Bear free :)

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    1. Hey Miss Donna, thanks for stopping by. I missed you in this challenge, but glad to hear that you're writing. I am feeling better, much better in fact and have decided I need to get serious about my writing again. This seemed like a good place to start.

      I've been on the road, in Idaho for ten days, just got back on Saturday and trying to catch up and visit all of the other challenge participants. I'll try to stop by your place later today and see what's up with you.

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  15. Intriguing and very true to the theme! Nice work :o)

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    1. Thanks HBF, appreciate you stopping by.

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  16. Awesome to see this! Very intriguing story. Like N.R., I'd like to see more action. People don't just sit still while they're talking. Accentuate dialogue with actions. It also helps break up the dialogue so it's not just constant talking (which isn't bad, per se, just not ideal).

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    1. Hey youse guys, thanks for coming by and for the suggestion. It seems to be the consensus here that I have a kind of stagnant dialogue. I'm gonna take that to hear and add more action. I'll need to look at other places in my WIP where I may have the same problem. Something I needed to have pointed out to me, probably because I can talk non-stop myself. Ha!

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  17. I always love story excerpts that leave me with larger questions abut that world and the people in it, and this one is certainly full of intrigue!

    However, as a couple of others have mentioned, it would be good to break up the dialogue with some name tags or some actions the characters are performing as they speak. Otherwise the exchange feels a bit rushed.

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    1. Thanks Arpan, I appreciate the comment and suggestion. It's interesting that you said the exchange feels a bit rushed. I hadn't thought of that, but you are absolutely correct. I kept wondering what was wrong with this passage, and that's it. I've already been working on adding in some action and movement to this little scene.

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