Today as a part of my 'Turning Over a New Leaf Series' I decided to post a chapter of my current WIP. This is the one I'm currently agonizing over the edits and rewrites. It's told from multiple POV's and this guy,
Everett is probably my favorite.
I'm gonna let you read it here and not say too much more. Quite possibly in a future 'TOaNL' post, I'll even tell you where the inspiration for this WIP and, most particularly Everett came from. For today go ahead and have a read, then let me know what you think. Go ahead; you can be honest. After all I'm in rewrites, so maybe there is something I should know.
Everett
Every time they open the earth in this place I feel it,
especially in winter. I cannot help myself. I have to come and see who it is.
It’s dangerous for me here. They can see me. Not like there is anybody left who
might recognize me, but dangerous all the same. What if somebody started
talking to me? Wanted to know who I was? What I was doing here? Answering those
questions could be tricky.
As questionable as my presence in this place would be, it is
nothing compared to that other guy. He’s not even the least little bit settled.
My guess is less than twenty-four hours. In that first day, some of them do
real crazy things. They have no idea where they are or what’s happening. He
seems to be in control. Coming and going the way he does. Pushing those people
and talking to them, that’s risky stuff. Apparently, nobody come for him. He
acts like a loose cannon out there on his own. After all this time I can tell
just by looking at him, he will not be hanging around long. No unfinished
business for that guy. Well, maybe this was the unfinished business. He seems
pretty intent on getting a message to those two.
Last words. They all have some last words that they want to
be remembered by. Not me, there was no time. All I had time for was one last
look of shock. There never was a pretty girl held tight at my side. No mother
to cry for me. No large group of friend standing around saying nice things.
Nope, just the quick end, to a short life.
That guy, the one holding the pretty girl so tight, he looks
like one of the modern day ranch kid. You can tell by his build that he’s used
to hard work. His face has seen the sun on it for more than a few harvests.
That guy next to him, the same. They look like brothers. When I think about it,
Mr. Loose Cannon looked like another brother. That would fit the picture,
because they seem a whole lot more genuinely sad than the rest of this crowd.
The girl at his side; well, she’s perpetually sad, except
when she looks at him. I know her. Her pa’s the horse breeder, the son of that
squatter, the guy who tricked Emily and took the ranch. Her name is Sandra,
Sandra Baker. I wish some girl had looked at me like she looks at that ranch
kid. He’s about my age. I’m a little taller, but about the same build. I would
have liked to have the opportunity to hold a girl like that, even Miss Sandra
Baker.
I have spent the last sixteen years watching that girl grow
up. It’s not that I wanted to. I didn’t have much choice. She and her
family live in my space. She lives in my personal space, my room at the ranch.
Since she’s gotten older, turned a woman, I spend more time in the attic. It’s
only right.
She looked right at me, probably wondering about this guy
who’s so irreverent as to be climbing all over a tombstone. Well, this is my
space too. My name is right down there carved in stone. This lovely little park
and the ranch that Baker guy still has the nerve to call the Williams Ranch are
my own private little hell. The only
places I’m free to roam while I work for my name. I am starting to wonder if it’s
worth it.
That ranch kid, the one holding Sandra Baker so close, I recognize
him now. He works for her Pa, at least I think he does. He’s always hanging
around the ranch, doing chores and helping out. Maybe, now I see him holding Sandra,
he’s there more for her. He doesn’t touch her like that in front of her Pa. I
wonder if Stan Baker knows how it is between them. I bet Stan would not like
it. He and his wife keep Sandra pretty close. Watching the two of ‘em, Sandra
Baker and this ranch kid, I find I don’t like seeing him holding her like that
either. Somewhere in my head, I think I would like to be holding her instead. No
use crying over spilled milk, Pa would say. That is never gonna happen. That ranch
kid might be like me in a lot of ways, but there is one big difference between
us. He’s still alive.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Also, you know why this is more soliloquy than anything else. Everett is no longer alive. Interested, intrigued, want to read more. Well, I'm looking for a few betas to give it a go over. I'm not finished with the edits and rewrites yet, but if your interested, please let me know and I'll get in touch with you. Anyone who is interested in beta reading for me with critiques in mind is welcome, but I am particularly looking for a male perspective.
I'll be back on the 15th with a new exciting BATTLE OF THE BANDS. Until that time, Happy Trails!
I do like this. Don't know that I'm qualified beyond that, but I was intrigued by the concept.
ReplyDeleteThanks CW. I appreciate it.
DeleteNice hook at the end indeed. haha always used to hear the spilled milk saying growing up.
ReplyDeleteThanks Pat. Yeah, that spilled milk thing is definitely a cliche, and every writer says 'DON'T use cliches, but I just couldn't help myself, besides it is the way Everett talks.
DeleteJust to set myself straight, I read, "what makes a good beta reader?" I might just be the least qualifying person on the planet.
ReplyDeleteI do this part involving Everett is interesting and scary.
Thanks Dixie, I appreciate you doing the research.
DeleteHope you don't mind, but I took a copy of the links you left at Robin's blog. Absolutely fascinating! Thank you :)
DeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. I wouldn't have posted it somewhere publicly if I didn't want others to view it.
DeleteThis was such an intriguing idea when I got to read it the first time. I'm glad you've not given up on it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna. It's been through a few rewrites since you first read it, but I do think it's finally coming together. I sure do hope so.
DeleteIt was disorienting for me...being dropped into to what seems like the middle of a story and not knowing what was going on. The writing itself was clean and flowed well...although I might spend some time varying the length of your sentences...too many short ones. Overall - intriguing and full of possibilities. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks DL. I hear what you're saying about coming in at the middle. I also appreciate the critique. This is exactly the type of thing I need to hear.
DeleteI had it by the third sentence that he was dead. I thought I was supposed to know that. Naturally, that helped me understand the second paragraph. I'm not sure I would have otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIn the first line of the fourth paragraph, you have "he looks like one of the modern day ranch kid." Shouldn't "kid" be plural?
One other thing that made me curious...if this was a local funeral, wouldn't Stan Baker have been there? You speak of the ranch kid holding her tight, then say he wouldn't do that in front of her father. Made me wonder why her father wasn't there. Of course, that may be clear outside of this excerpt.
Overall, I liked it.
Yes, you are supposed to pick up that Everett is dead, glad you caught on so quickly.
DeleteYou are absolutely right about 'kid' should be 'kids'. Thanks, nice catch.
You would understand why Sandra's father, Stan, isn't there if I had given you the preceding chapters. I realize it's kind of hard being dropped into the middle of a story like this, but I just wanted a little feedback on Everett. He's my favorite character, but more difficult for me to write, because obviously so much of his stuff in soliloquy. Thanks for taking the time to read and for the helpful feedback.
Conceptually interesting. Your mention of "last words" got me to thinking how in my experience around death (limited to be sure) people have been so sedated that there were no last words as we often dramatically envision them.
ReplyDeleteLast words are often so fascinating or puzzling. In sedating suffering dying people are we missing out on these last words experiences and perhaps depriving the dying of leaving a legacy of last words.
Sorry, but you got me thinking about this. You've got an interesting story in the works here. Keep at it.
Arlee Bird
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Tossing It Out
Some interesting thoughts for sure. This is what's behind Everett's thoughts here. He's hanging around for some purpose maybe some lat words, but he really doesn't know what that is. He died so suddenly, there is a lot of confusion on his part,
DeleteI see what you men abut sedating the dying, while at the same time,nobody wants to see someone go while writing in pain.
Thanks for the encouragement.
High in Sparks!
ReplyDeleteEr-- I mean, Hi from the Sparks Public Library.
~ D-FensDogG
"EGBOK!"