My WEP Challenge entry for February 2017
Once upon a time I really did live in an old house (over 100 years old) on a ranch in Colorado. The house was haunted. I used to see Martin, the ghost who haunted the place and at other times there were strange happenings that I attributed to him.
There really wasn't anything scary about Martin. He was sad, a real lost soul. When I mentioned and described him to the owner of the ranch, he showed me a picture of his grandfather. Sure enough it was Martin. The story was that Martin was shot and killed by his own daughter in the living room of the old ranch homestead house. The owner then showed me a bullet hole with the stray bullet still lodged in it, in the floor of the parlor. This was right near the spot where I always saw Martin.
The 'rest of the story' is; Martin's mentally unstable daughter shot him after a round of verbal abuse. Apparently, Martin wasn't a very nice man. The woman's brother, Martin's son, took the wrap fearing for his sisters continued mental collapse. It was deemed an accident and the son was acquitted, but as the local district Attorney at the time with friends in high places and higher political aspirations, he forfeited all of after this episode.
While searching for ideas for my third novel, Martin's story kept coming back to me. I felt he was left 'in the back of the drawer' of history, so to speak. I changed some things around, to protect the innocent, of course, and wrote a story surrounding Martin and his haunting of the old ranch house,
My WEP Challenge Entry is an except from that story. A chapter that introduces Everett/Martin.
I hope you enjoy my WEP Challenge entry for February 2017.
EVERETT
Every time they open the
earth in this place I feel it, especially in winter. I can smell it, too. It’s
as if the rot of all those corpses is slowly leaking out of their boxes. I
can’t help myself. I gotta see who it is, even though it’s dangerous. They can
see me here. Not like there’s anybody left who might know me. What if somebody
wanted to talk? Wanted to know why I came? Answering those questions would be
hard.
As dangerous as my bein’ in
this place is, it’s nothing compared to that other guy. He’s
not even the least settled. My guess is less than twenty-four hours. That first
day, some of them do real crazy things. They have no idea where they are or
what’s happening. But, he’s in control, comin’ and goin’. Pushing those people
and talkin’ to them, that’s risky stuff. Apparently nobody came for him. A real
loose cannon. I can tell just by looking at him, he’ll not be hangin’ around
long. No unfinished business for him. Maybe this was his unfinished business.
He seemed pretty bent on getting a message to that couple.
They all have some last
words to be remembered by. Not me, there was no time. All I had time for was a
last look of shock. There weren’t no pretty girl held tight at my side. No Ma
cryin’ for me. No friends standing around saying nice things. Nope, just a
quick end to a short life.
This guy here, the one
holdin’ the pretty girl so tight, looks like one of those ranch kids. You can
tell by his build he’s used to hard work. His face has
seen the sun on it for more than a few harvests. The guy next to him, the same.
They look like brothers. Come to think of it, Mr. Loose Cannon looks like
another brother. It would fit the picture, because they’re lots more sad than
the rest of this crowd.
The girl at his side is
always sad,‘cept when she looks at him. I know her. Her Pa’s
that horse breeder. The son of the squatter who tricked Emily and took the
ranch. Her name is Sandra Baker. I wish some girl had looked at me like she
looks at that ranch kid. He’s about my age. I’m a little taller, but the same
build. I would have liked to have had the opportunity to hold a girl like that,
even Miss Sandra Baker.
I’ve spent the last sixteen
years watching her grow up. Not that I wanted to, didn’t have a choice. She and
her family live in my space. She lives in my personal space, my room at the
ranch. Since she got older, turned into a woman, I spend more time in the
attic. It’s only right.
She looked straight at me.
Probably wonderin’ about this irreverent guy climbin’ all over a tombstone.
This is my space, too. My name is right down there carved in stone. This lonely
park and the ranch that Baker guy has the nerve to still be calling the
Williams Ranch, are my own private hell. The only places I’m
free to roam while I work for my name. I’m startin’ to wonder if it’s worth it.
That ranch kid, the one
holding Sandra Baker so close, I recognize him now. He works for her Pa, at least
I think he does. He’s always hangin’ around the ranch,
doin’ chores and helpin’ out. Now I see him holdin’ Sandra, I think maybe he’s
there more for her. He doesn’t touch her like that in front of her Pa. I wonder
if Stan Baker knows how it is ‘tween ‘em. I don’t like seein’ him holding her
like that. Somewhere in my head I think I want to be holdin’ her. No use crying
over split milk, Pa would say. It ain’t never gonna happen. That ranch kid
might be like me in a lot of ways, but there’s one big difference ‘tween us. He
ain’t dead.
678 words
Full critique accepted. Please, tell me what you think.
In my haste to get this post written and scheduled for publication, I neglected to give you a link to the other entrants. I had to return this morning to add this. Please click HERE to find the complete list of entrants into this month's Challenge. Give them a read. I'm sure you will find something interesting.
In my haste to get this post written and scheduled for publication, I neglected to give you a link to the other entrants. I had to return this morning to add this. Please click HERE to find the complete list of entrants into this month's Challenge. Give them a read. I'm sure you will find something interesting.
Pretty cool. I've lived with a couple ghosts. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad. Totally harmless though.
ReplyDeleteI liked this excerpt. Good voice. I'm getting the sense this Marvin was a little creepy in life. Will be an interesting story I'm sure.
Martin was definitely not a nice guy in life. When I met him, he simply seemed sad and lost. Looking for redemption? I dunno. He seemed to be looking for something.
DeleteThanks for your comment on 'voice' I worked hard on that particular aspect. This story is told from three different POV's. I felt it was important that each have a strong and distinctive voice. You'll have to let me know if I've succeeded.
Having to watch and no longer being able to do, has to be tough indeed. Not sure I'd ever want to be on the ghostly plane, unless I suppose if I could be an annoying ghost.
ReplyDeleteHa, I agree. It might be fun to be an annoying ghost for awhile. In the long run, I'm pretty sue I would rather move on.
DeleteHi FAE ... I imagine there are many ghosts around - and yes wondering how they look after us, or look down on us as we change and develop our lives. Martin could well have many 'nasty' tales within his life ... fascinating telling - cheers Hilary
ReplyDeleteThanks Hilary. Martin wasn't a very nice guy. I tried to make Everett more noble, but none the less he is a lost soul left to wander. Hard to call him a 'good guy'.
DeleteGreat story, I like 'friendly' ghosts.
ReplyDeleteMy experience is that ghosts are not really sinister, but rather lost and trying to fulfill a purpose. It's evil spirits (demons) who I also believe are real, that you really want to steer clear of.
DeleteGreat voice! I could see the entire story playout! And the intro, how sad! It would be hard to move on with that kind of ending.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great entry to the WEP Challenge. Thank you!
Tried to post to Pinterest but the link didn't work. Could be my computer, but wanted to let you know, just in case. :)
DeleteThanks Yolanda, I really appreciate your comment.
DeleteDon't know what to say about that Pinterest thing,
FAE ~
ReplyDeleteThis was probably my favorite bit of your writing that I have read. Well told. I particularly liked that opening paragraph which pulled me right in (or under?) in an almost darkly poetic way.
~ D-FensDogG
Check out my new blog @
(Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...
Glad you liked it. I've worked hard on this piece and even harder on developing Everett's character and voice.
DeleteSuch an authentic voice you gave to this character. I was engaged from beginning to end. One can feel his frustration at being unable to hold the girl or anyone. The story of Martin is fascinating, as well. Very entertaining, FAE!
ReplyDeleteThanks Debbie, I appreciate you stopping by. I worked hard on this piece and really hoped to hook the reader from the very first sentence. So glad you were entertained.
DeleteThe voice of your main character is strong. I would even say fresh. He's roaming and dissatisfied with what has happened to him. He's dead. We're seeing real life from the eyes of a dead man and you have done a good job of portraying him.
ReplyDeleteShalom aleichem,
Pat
Thanks Pat. so many of you have mentioned 'voice' and for that I'm grateful. The story is told from three different POV's, therefore it is important that they each be strong and distinctive. I worked hard on that. It really encourages me that Everett's voice came through strong and clear. Fresh was a particularly nice way to describe it. Funny I didn't think of him as seeing real life from the eyes of a dead man, but that is a good way to put it. Thanks again.
DeleteThanks Jen, I'm hoping you 'lol have a chance to know more when this soy makes i to publication. I'll try to keep you posted.
ReplyDeleteHello Faraway Eyes! I've been waiting for this, knowing it'd be a treat. And it is. Loved it. Always love a good ghost story. And you've nailed Everett's voice. I read your comment that there's three different POVs. In that case, his voice needs to be unique. Love how you've told it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for adding your excellent extract to the WEP entries this month! Hopefully we'll see you for Peace and Love.
Denise :-)
Denise, I'm having so much fun with WEP, I hope to make them all this year. We shall see.
DeleteI've worked hard on this and the lovely feedback I'm receiving here means a lot.
I like the writing style in this piece. Comes across very natural. This excerpt entices me to want more.
ReplyDeleteArlee Bird
Tossing It Out
That, Mr Bird, is exactly what I'm hoping for; the reader wanting more,
DeleteThanks.
I really liked this. It was smooth and easy. It made it feel like ghosts are just a matter-of-fact to life. I like Everett. I'd totally read more of this.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear someone say they like Everett. It' important to have your MC be likeable, but a difficult task when working with a ghost.
DeleteVery nicely done, and lets us see how it might be from the 'other' side. To be there and yet not there is probably a bit frustrating. I grew up in a house built in 1875 and I thought that place was haunted but none of the spirits seemed vengeful. I liked the dialogue in your story - and that last line is a killer. (no pun intended) Glad to see you back in the challenge!
ReplyDeleteThanks D. G., I'm glad to be here. Having fun with WEP. Glad you lik this piece, it was urn to write.
DeleteInteresting story. I'm not sure I want to meet that ghost.
ReplyDeleteAh Olga, he only seems sinister because he's dead. Everett is really a gentle soul, four a different place and time. Now, Martin was a different story altogether.
DeleteI love this, it's interesting to read something from a ghost's perspective. A great entry!
ReplyDeleteOh Laura, I love that you love this.
DeleteIntriguing flash. Not a nice person in real life, doesn't seem any nicer as ghost either. But sad for him that he has to watch someone else doing what he had hoped to do himself, that's hard.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed reading the flash, the closing line esp is just brilliant. Thanks.
That closing line is getting a lot of love interesting, because I didn't put too much time into that, it just seemed to come natural. Now the rest of it was a labor of love, of course.
DeleteI love the stories behind the stories. :D
ReplyDeleteIt is intriguing to see where our ideas come from, isn't it?
DeleteMy parents live in a house in Colorado that's over 100 years old. Sadly, no ghosts.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this, and like Stephen said, that first paragraph especially just sucks you right in and grabs your attention. I love a good ghost story, as told by the ghost. Great entry!
Thanks, looks like I finally got you to retinue some of my work, ha!
DeleteA touching ghost story. The thought of one looking out for my children and becoming jealous over a boyfriend is a little unnerving. Well written.
ReplyDeleteOh, and, I see ghost all the time.
Nancy
Unnerving, oh I like that. A ghost story should be, at the very least, unnerving. Thanks.
DeleteI do love a good ghost story.
ReplyDeleteAs others have pointed out, I love the way Everett's voice comes through. I was reading the whole thing in a bit of a drawl. And the true story behind him is pretty intriguing and creepy too!
Thanks Arian, I appreciate you stopping by and this lovely comment.
DeleteSorry about that name thing. I'm using an iPad and still trying to get used to the keypad. Plus the auto correct sometimes doesn't kick in until I hit the publish button
DeleteNice, reflective piece. So sad though.
ReplyDelete